Gentle Doesn't Mean Permissive

If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my parenting and called it “gentle”, and then lost that same dollar every time someone said, “Gentle parenting is only for gentle kids” , I’d be right back at zero.

And I get it. Depending on where you’re standing, “gentle” can sound like passive, permissive, or just letting kids run wild and do whatever they want.

The Truth?

In the Caribbean, we grew up on a steady diet of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” And for many of us, that rod was literal but most of the time it was sharp words, threats, or the look that lets you know not to mess around.

Our parents and grandparents meant well. They believed harshness was the only way to raise children who were strong, disciplined, and respectful. But the truth is: those words or lack thereof bruised us just as deeply as a cuff upside our head, and those wounds often stayed hidden long after childhood.

Raise your hand if you can think of at least one moment in your childhood that left you feeling unheard, unseen, bruised or broken.

So imagine us now! As we became parents ourselves (I’m talking to the millennials here), we literally split our parenting practices right down the middle. Some of us continued to parent in the same way we were parented, while others, feeling like there was a much better way, completely overhauled the spanking, the disrespect and the discipline all together.

And this is why “gentle parenting” gets such a bad rap in our culture. People hear “gentle” and think it means soft, permissive, letting kids run the show and do whatever they want. I can see one half of the crowd already rolling their eyes saying, "that could never work with my child.”

Now here we are, trying to find the balance of creating a healthy, well rounded environment where our children can grow up feeling both respected and respectful.

Let's clear this up once and for all....

Permissive parenting = avoiding boundaries, giving in, letting kids run the show.

Gentle parenting = respect, structure, and guidance with love at the center.

It’s not about being “nice” so your kids like you. It’s about being steady, consistent and firm without breaking your child down in the process.

Gentle parenting is choosing to correct without crushing. To guide without shaming. To hold limits without fear.

Most of us were handed five parenting tools: expecting, correcting, directing, threatening, and spanking.

And let’s be real, no parent wakes up thinking, “I hope my child does something I can beat them for today.” We see grabbing the belt as a last resort. Yelling too. But when we don’t know what else to do, fear takes over and those become the “go-to” tools.

The problem? Those tools might get compliance in the moment, but they don’t build connection, self-respect, or long-term growth.

Do they learn respect, or fear?

Do they learn responsibility, or how to hide their mistakes?

Do they learn self-worth, or that love must be earned by obedience?

When we parent from fear, we may win short-term battles, but we risk losing long-term connection.

And did you know that behavior isn’t random?

Your child’s behavior is a dance between three things:

• their temperament

• their stage of development, and

• the beliefs they’re forming about themselves, you and the world.

In the early years especially, misbehavior is often just unskilled behavior. Kids aren’t “bad” they’re still learning. Which means discipline should teach instead of punish.

And here’s the kicker: parents have temperaments too. Some kids are a great match with ours. Others stretch us. And boy do they stretch us. This awareness means planning for the child you actually have, not the one you imagined.

This is where Positive Discipline comes in.

It’s not strict and it’s not permissive – it’s kind and firm at the same time.

Kindness says: “I see you. I value you. Your feelings matter.”

Firmness says: “These are the boundaries. Here’s what respect looks like. And I will hold this line with love.”

Together, they create a parenting rhythm that builds connection, teaches responsibility, and models the very respect we want our children to show others.

Close your eyes for a moment. Picture your child 30 years from now.

What kind of person do you see? Compassionate, confident, and grounded? Or fearful, resentful, and unsure of their worth?

Every day, our kids are making decisions about how to find love, belonging, and significance. These decisions form the foundation of who they’ll be as adults.

Every choice you make today – every correction, every word spoken in anger or in patience – is shaping that future.

Gentle parenting isn’t permissive. It’s conscious. It’s intentional. It’s choosing love without losing structure. And it may just be the line between being a good parent and being a great one.

Parenting is already hard enough...

and these tools weren’t automatically given to us just because we became parents. We have to search it out, apply it to our lives and be consistent with our follow through.

The beauty about this though is, you don’t have to be perfect to shift. You just have to start.

So mama,

If this resonated, please go ahead and grab the freebie “5 Discipline Mistakes Even Conscious Parents Make” and let’s reclaim how we parent and lead — together.